some like it hot
osgood: pardon me, miss. may i?
jerry: help yourself.
osgood: i’m osgood fielding iii.
jerry: (quips) i’m cinderella ii.
osgood: if there’s one thing i admire, it’s a girl with a 1)shapely ankle.
jerry: me too. bye bye.
osgood: let me carry one of the instruments.
jerry: oh thank you. aren’t you a sweetheart.
osgood: certainly is 2)delightful having young blood around here.
jerry: well, personally i’m type o.
osgood: you know, i’ve always been 3)fascinated by show business.
jerry: is that so?
osgood: yes. as a matter of fact, it’s cost my family quite a bit of money.
jerry: oh, you invest in shows?
osgood: 4)showgirls. i’ve been married seven or eight times.
jerry: you’re not sure?
osgood: mama is keeping score. frankly, she’s getting rather 5)annoyed with me.
jerry: wouldn’t wonder.
osgood: so this year when the george white scandal opened,
;she packed me off to florida. right now she thinks i’m out there on my 6)yacht. ha, ha, deep sea fishing.
jerry: well, pull in your reel, mr. fielding. you’re 7)barking up the wrong fish.
scene 2
joe is in love with the girl singer sugar, but she dreams of marrying a rich man. so wearing thick spectacles, a yachting jacket and a cap for his disguise as junior, joe trips sugar as she runs by where he sits on the beach.
girls: two...three...four...five...six...seven...
joe: hello, i’m terribly sorry.
sugar: i’m not.
joe: you’re not hurt, are you?
sugar: i don’t think so.
joe: i wish you’d make sure.
sugar: why?
joe: because usually when people find out who i am, they get themselves a wheel chair, a 8)shyster lawyer and sue me for three quarters of a million dollars.
sugar: don’t worry, i won’t 9)sue you no matter who you are.
joe: thank you.
sugar: who are you?
joe: now really.
jerry: sugar! come on. honestly.
joe: cherrio.
sugar: haven’t i seen you somewhere before?
joe: not very likely.
sugar: you staying at the hotel?
joe: not at all.
sugar: your face is familiar.
joe: possible you’ve seen it in the newspapers or magazines. umm vanity fair.
sugar: that must be it.
joe: would you mind moving just a little please? you’re 10)blocking my view.
sugar: your view of what?
joe: they 11)run up a red and white flag on the yacht when it’s time for 12)cocktails.
sugar: you own a yacht? which one is it? the pink one?
joe: certainly not with all the 13)unrest in the world, i don’t think anybody should have a yacht that sleeps more than 12.
sugar: i quite agree. tell me who runs up that flag, your wife?
joe: no, my flag steward.
sugar: who mixes the cocktails, your wife?
joe: no, my cocktail 14)steward. look, if you’re interested in whether i am married or not...
sugar: oh, i’m not interested at all.
joe: well, i’m not.
sugar: that’s very interesting!
(jerry can’t believe his eyes when he realizes joe is impersonating as a millionaire to sugar.)
jerry: no!
joe: what is&
nbsp; it? young lady, what are you staring at? this happens to me all the time in public.
sugar: i recognized him, too. his picture was in vanity fair.
jerry: vanity fair?!
joe: would you mind moving along, please?
sugar: yes, you’re in his way-he’s waiting for a signal from his yacht.
jerry: his yacht?!
sugar: it sleeps 12. this is my friend daphne-she’s a 15)vassar girl.
jerry: i’m a what?
sugar: or was it bryn mawr?
joe: (threatens) i heard a very sad story about a girl who went to bryn mawr. she 16)squealed on her roommate and they found her 17)strangled with her own 18)brassiere!
jerry: yes, we have to be very careful whom we pick for a roommate. hmm?
sugar: well, i think i’d better be going.
joe: it was delightful meeting you both.
sugar: you will come and hear us play?
joe: if it’s at all possible.
jerry: (quips) oh, do come, don’t disappoint us-it will be such fun. and bring your yacht!
sugar: come on, daphne.
scene 3
back in the hotel room.
jerry: what are you trying to do to that poor girl putting on a millionaire act? and where did you get that 19)phony accent? nobody talks like that. joe, i’ve seen you pull some low 20)tricks on women. this is without doubt the trickiest, lowest and meanest...i’m not afraid of you. i’m thin but i’m 21)wiry. no, joe, you’re gonna get hurt because when i’m aroused, i’m a tiger. why joe, don’t look at me like that when it was all a joke, when i didn’t mean any harm. look, i’m going to 22)press the suit myself. telephone! answer the telephone.
joe: hello. hello. yes, this is 415. ship to shore?! alright, i’ll take it.
osgood: hello daphne, it’s that naughty boy again. you know osgood, in the elevator. you 23)slapped my face. who is this?
joe: this is her roommate. daphne can’t talk right now. is it anything urgent?
osgood: well, it is to me. will you give her a message? tell her i’d like her to have a little supper with me on my yacht&nbs
p; after the show tonight.
joe: got it. supper, yacht, after the show. i’ll tell her. your yacht?!
osgood: the new caledonia -- that’s the name of it. the old caledonia went down during a wild party off cape hateras. but tell her not to worry. this’ll be a quiet little midnight 24)snack. just the two of us.
joe: just the two of you? what about the 25)crew?
osgood: oh, that’s all been taken care of. i’m giving them shore leave. we’ll have a little cold pheasant with 26)champagne, and i checked with the coast guard there’s going to be a full moon tonight. oh, and tell her i’ve got a new 27)batch of rudy valley records.
joe: that’s good thinking. daphne’s a 28)push-over for him.
jerry: push-over for who? i...
joe: shh! yeah, mr. fielding. you’ll 29)pick her up after the show in your motor boat. goodbye. what’s that you said? oh, “zowee!” i’ll giver her the message.
jerry: what message? what motor boat?
joe: you got it made kid. fielding wants to have a little cold 30)pheasant with you on his yacht.
jerry: he does?
joe: just the three of you on that great big boat, you and him and rudy valley.
jerry: well, fat chance. call back and tell him i’m not going.
joe: well, of course you’re not.
jerry: oh.
joe: i’m going.
jerry: you’re going to be on the boat with that dirty old man?
joe: no, i’m going to be on the boat with sugar.
jerry: but where’s he going to be?
joe: he’s going to be ashore with you.
jerry: with me?
joe: that’s right!
jerry: oh no, not tonight, josephine.
scene 4
sugar is singing in the night show.
sugar: i only want to be loved by you, just you and nobody else but you, i wanna be loved by you alone. boo boo be do.
scene 5
in their hotel room, jerry gleefully reports to joe about how osgood has proposed marriage after a night of liberating tango dancing.
jerry:&nbs
p; (sings) olay!
joe: jerry, everything under control?
jerry: have i got things to tell you?
joe: what happened?
jerry: i’m engaged.
joe: congratulations, who’s the lucky girl?
jerry: i am.
joe: what?!
jerry: osgood 31)proposed to me. we're planning a june wedding.
joe: what are you talking about? you can’t marry osgood!
jerry: you think he’s too old for me?
joe: jerry, you can’t be serious.
jerry: why not? he keeps marrying girls all the time.
joe: but you’re not a girl, you’re a guy! and why would a guy want to marry a guy?
jerry: security.
joe: jerry, you better lie down. you’re not well.
jerry: will you stop treating me like a child? i’m not stupid, i know there’s problem.
joe: i’ll say there is.
jerry: his mother, we need her 32)approval, but i’m not worried because i don’t smoke.
joe: jerry, there’s another problem. like what are you going to do on your honeymoon?
jerry: we’ve been discussing that. he wants to go to the riviera, but i kind of lean towards niagara falls.
joe: jerry, you’re out of your mind! how are you going to 33)get away w
ith this?
jerry: i don’t expect it to last, joe. i’ll tell him the truth when the time comes.
joe: like when?
jerry: like right after the ceremony.
joe: oh.
jerry: then we get a quick 34)annul-ment, he makes a nice 35)settlement on me, and i keep getting those alimony checks every month.
joe: jerry, jerry, listen to me, listen to me! there are laws, 36)conventions. it’s just not being done!
jerry: shh... joe, this may be my last chance to marry a millionaire!
joe: jerry, jerry, will you take my advice? forget about the whole thing, will you? just keep telling yourself: you’re a boy, you’re a boy.
jerry: i’m a boy.
joe: that’s the boy!
jerry: oh i’m a boy. i’m a boy. i wish i were dead!
scene 6
joe and jerry’s true identity is finally revealed by the gangsters, so they have to flee to the pier where osgood is waiting in a pre-arranged getaway boat. sugar chases after them. she wants to come along, too.
joe: you don’t want me, sugar. i’m a liar and a phony, a saxophone player, one of those no 37)goodnick’s you keep running away from.
sugar: i know, every time.
joe: sugar, do yourself a favor. go back to where the millionaires are, the sweet end of the 38)lollipop, not the cole 39)slaw in the face, the old socks and the 40)squeezed out tube of toothpaste.
sugar: that’s right, 41)pour it on, 42)talk me out of it.
osgood: i called mama, she was so happy she cried. she wants you to have her wedding gown, it’s white 43)lace.
jerry: osgood, i can’t get married in your mother’s dress. she and i... we are not built the same way.
osgood: we can have it 44)altered.
jerry: oh no, you don’t. osgood, i’m gonna 45)level with you. we can’t get married at all.
osgood: why not?
jerry: well, in the first place, i’m not a natural 46)blonde.
osgood: doesn’t matter.
jerry: i smoke. i smoke all the time.
osgood: i don’t care.
jerry: well, i’ve a terrible past. for three years now, i’ve been living with a saxophone&nbs
p; player.
osgood: i forgive you.
jerry: i can never have children.
osgood: we can 47)adopt some.
jerry: you don’t understand, osgood. i’m... i’m a man!
osgood: well, nobody’s perfect.
