the family is a place in which children learn to interpret reality. parents serve as significant interpreters for children of information about the world and children's abilities. they are children’s first teachers. parents want their children to grow into socially mature individuals, and they may feel frustrated in trying to discover the best way to accomplish this development.
parenting styles are broad patterns of child rearing practices, values, and behaviors. according to diana baumrind, four types of parenting styles are indulgent (more responsive than demanding), authoritarian (highly demanding and directive but not responsive), authoritative (both demanding and responsive), and indulgent (low in responsiveness and demanding ness)
children from authoritarian family are often aggressive, fearful, and anxious, they often have weak communication skills. children associated with authoritative parenting, are happy, cheerful, self-controlled and cope with stress. children from indulgent family are aggressive, spoiled, and noncompliant, they have difficulties in peer relations. children associated with neglectful parenting are lack of self-control, social incompetence and delinquency.
children’s emotions are often affected by parenting. parents are kids’ first important teachers. according to john gottman, “parents are kids’ emotion coachers, and they teach their kids strategies to deal with life’s ups and downs. even more than iq, emotional awareness and ability to handle feelings will determine one’s success and happiness in all walks of life, including family relationships”(p20-21). so it’s very important to use good parenting at home. authoritative parentings is the best parenting style, because it is good for children’s emotion development, and because authoritative parents acknowledge their children’s feelings and accept them unconditionally, they can set acceptable standards, and they help to promote children’s independence.
authoritative parents can understand their children’s feeling and teach them how to regulate them. they often help them to find appropriate outlets to solve problems. john gottman said, “they don’t ignore or deny their kids’ feelings. nor do they belittle or ridicule their children for emotional expression” (p38). they have knowledge of their children’s feeling. for example, my son felt very sad and worried when he heard his best friend would move to another city. he talked to me about that: “ my best friend will move next month. whom can i play with?” i understood his feeling, and said, “ i’m sorry to hear that. don’t worry. his new home is not far from here. we can visit him and he can come back to visit us. also, you can make another good friend. you will face lots of separation in your life. you should be strong.” i also told him about my sadness. after talking, he felt better and began to know how to handle this kind of situation. authoritative parents have a strong awareness of their own emotions and those of their loved one. john gottman believes, “they can see value in their children’s negative emotions; they have more patience when their children are angry, sad, or fearful.”(p40). authoritative parents are concerned about their kids. they seem to be willing to spend time with a crying or fretful child, listening to their worries, empathizing with them, letting them went their anger, or just cry it out. they are responsible parents.
authoritative parents provide a warm and friendly family climate. there is good communication between parents and children in authoritative family. good communication helps children and parents to develop confidence, feelings of self-worth, and good relationships with others. one of our most important responsibilities as parents is to listen to our children, hearing not only their words, but also the feelings behind their words. when parents talk to the children, they must show great respect for their children’s feelings. they must feel what their children are feeling. ginott believed: “statements of understanding should precede statements of advice”(p44). he discouraged parents from telling children what they ought to feel, because that simply makes children distrust their feelings. he said kid’s emotions do not disappear when parents say, “don’t feel that way,” he believed that while not all behavior is acceptable, all feelings and wishes are acceptable. therefore, parents should set limits on acts, but not emotions and desires, because communication about emotions can serve as a way for parents to teach their children values.
authoritative parents also expect mature, promote independence and appropriate behavior of children. they teach children to calm down and focus attention. when they calm down, they can concentrate in finding ways to solve the problems. psychologists say people are very easy to lose control when they get mad, so it is very easy to do wrong thing. for example, my son is ten years old. he is very easy to get mad or excited. when he gets mad, i don’t blame him. i know i have to calm down so that i can teach him to do so. i always tell him slowly and tenderly: “can you tell me what’s going on? maybe i can help you. don’t worry. mum is here with you. let me help you to find a good way.” sometimes i teach him to do some exercise to relax. i teach him to do deep breath when he is mad. after deep and slow inhalation and breathing for five to six times, he feels peaceful and relaxes.
it really works. learning to calm down and focus attention become increasingly important as the children mature. learning to be calm also helps the child to concentrate in learning situations and to focus on the achievement of specific tasks. and, as a child grows, it’s extremely helpful for learning how to share toys. this skill can make a big difference in a child’s ability to enter new playgroups, make new friends, and handle rejection when peers turn away.
although some people think authoritarian parenting is associated with school success, children from this kind family are often aggressive, fearful, and anxious and have weak communication skills, because parents have too many restrictive, punitive disciplines for their children to follow. they are also rejecting to children. my parents used authoritarian parenting in my family. there are three children in my family. my mother used the same style to us all. i don’t think it is best for parents or caretakers to use the same style, because different families have different children, even in the same family, children are different from each other. it’s better for them to use eclectic parenting style. we didn’t like authoritarian parenting, because we had no any opportunity to tell our feeling or argue. what we could do is “shut up” and “ follow my words.” according to john gottman, “family life is our first school for emotional learning” (p20). it’s true. all of us have developed into difficult emotional persons. both of my brothers are over forty now. they are really aggressive. they have problems in communication skills and fail to initiate activity. they also still use the same parenting to educate their children now. especially my second elder brother, his family has lots of problems just because of his temper. he often jells to his children and fight with his wife. i am timid, fearful and have weak communication skill, too. i am afraid to express my opinion in public. we are adults now, we are all lack of confidence. we are still under the shadow of this kind of parenting and have influence to our kids. according to goleman, families with authoritarian parents “seem unable to function well either because they cannot set guidelines, or because they do not pursue interests that involve places and persons outside the family" (p 39). this makes it more difficult for children to develop self-knowledge and differentiate their own career goals from their parents' goals.
good parenting can help parents to make good emotional kids and have a happy family. the authoritative style balances clear, high expectations with emotional support and recognition of children's autonomy. children associated with this kind of family are happy, cheerful, self-controlled and cope with stress. they have fewer behavior problems, and are better able to bounce back from distressing experiences. children can do better in terms of academic achievement, health, and peer relationships. gottman believes “the children who learn to acknowledge and master their emotions are more self-confident as well as physically healthier. they also do better in school and are more likely to grow into emotionally healthy adults”(50).
please use authoritative parenting at home. it is very good for your children’s motional development.
bibliography:
santrock, johnlife – span psychology
ginott, haim between parent and child
goleman, dianiel emotional intelligence
gottman, hohn and daniel goleman the heart of parenting intelligent child
